[Opening: A military helicopter, in flight. Through the windows, we can see a bleak landscape. The passengers are quiet, tense. The host is wearing a headset, and shouting into a microphone.]
JEFF PROBST: Sixteen Americans, about to embark on the adventure of their lives. Testing their wits, their courage, and their endurance, here, in the frozen tundra of the Canadian Yukon. The prize they are all competing for: one million dollars. In this secret location of unimaginable natural beauty [long shot of a flat, treeless plain, covered with snow], they will be challenged not only by the region’s harsh conditions and wildlife [shot of a polar bear, baring its fangs], but also by each other [shot of one of the contestants, baring her fangs].
Every three days, they will trek deep into the tundra, voting one player out, until only one remains. Who will be… the ultimate Survivor?
The players have been divided into two teams, and have had no previous contact with each other. Let’s meet them now. First, the “Konga” Tribe: [there is a brief close-up as each Survivor is introduced.]
ANNE BREWSTER, a stay-at-home mom from a trailer park in Oceanside, California. [Unspoken dread furrows Anne’s brow.]
GLEN, a retired Air Force colonel from Las Vegas, Nevada. [Glen is, like, 60 feet tall.]
VIVIAN, a college student and aspiring screenwriter from Huntsville, Alabama. [Vivian has a beautiful mane of red hair, and looks ambitious.]
MICKEY, a gardener from Rockville, Maryland. [Four hours into the game, Mickey is already a mess.]
EULABELLE, a domestic servant from Bridgeport, Connecticut. [Middle-aged and solid, she also looks apprehensive.]
ROGER, a worm farmer from Purvis, Mississippi. [Roger looks stupid, but confident, and smiles, revealing rather poor teeth.]
MELISSA, daughter of a walnut rancher near Bakersfield, California. [She also looks confident, her eyes dark and unblinking.]
And finally, TORGO, a caretaker from El Paso, Texas. [Torgo glances around anxiously.]
Their opponents: the “Sampo” Tribe, whose members are:
WARREN, a car salesman from Detroit. [Even though it’s below zero outside, Warren is sweating heavily.]
GEORGIA, a talent coordinator from New York City. [She looks calm, unflappable.]
NEIL, an army sergeant from Fort Blight, Texas. [Neil looks weary, even bored; as if this were nothing new to him.]
CARMELITA, a fortune teller from Newark, New Jersey. [Nothing distinguishing about her aside from a beauty mark the size of a dime on her upper lip.]
LOBO, a scientific assistant from Gainesville, Florida. [Lobo is bald, obese, but muscular; his face displaying a combination of confusion and utter stupidity.]
RUBY, a burlesque queen from Kansas City, Missouri. [An excessive amount of lipstick and mascara hide her true appearance.]
MR. B NATURAL, a music sprite from parts unknown. [B looks happily at the camera, and winks, a huge smile splitting his androgynous face.] And finally,
KITTEN, a juvenile delinquent from Los Angeles. [Kitten looks at the camera seductively.]
[Camera returns to Probst]
JEFF PROBST: It is the supreme test of human endurance, as the players try to outwit, outplay, and outlast
their opponents. The challenge begins right now!
[The chopper lands, and the Survivors disembark. Two large crates of supplies are unloaded, and the chopper takes off. Suddenly, the Survivors spring into action, shouting and running into each other in their haste to do something.]
WARREN: You! Bald guy! Give me a hand with this crate!
LOBO: Yes, Master! Lobo obey!
ANNE: What are we supposed to do? Where do we go? What’s going to happen to us?
ROGER: Don’t yew worry ‘bout nuthin’ ma’am, Ah’ll see we git there alright.
TORGO: I’ll just… CARRY… these TENT stakes… if NO one… MINDS…
KITTEN: Oh yeah! I’m ready for some action! Wooooo!
GEORGIA: Yes, dear, why don’t you carry some of those canned goods?
EULABELLE: Oh, my, all you folks just steppin’ and fetchin’, like you was a bunch of zombies or something!
GLEN: Hey! I can see our campsite! It’s about twenty miles from here! Follow me!
NEIL: OK, you dogfaces. Let’s everybody just pick up whatever you can carry, and move out!
RUBY: Ooohh, so commanding! I like that. Can you pitch a tent, doughboy?
MICKEY: She said to wait here. She said she would be right back, and that I was to wait here.
VIVIAN: Mickey, we’ve got to keep moving! Those polar bears are after us!
MELISSA: No, they’re after the fish, in the stream. See, this is where…
CARMELITA: I sense that we are all doomed. DOOMED, I say! HA HA HA HA HA!
MR. B NATURAL: Well, I know what’ll lift our spirits! Whenever I feel blue, I just sing a song! [Singing:] /~ Oh let’s all go to the campsite! / Before frostbite sets in! / Let’s find that pretty campsite! / Or they’ll call our next of kin! ~/ Everybody!
JEFF PROBST: The adventure has begun. Join us next time, as the Survivors face their first full day in the wilderness of the Canadian Yukon.
Day 2
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